Last week, we watched as Archer and Pam schemed to give Lana the ultimate baby shower gift. Now that their plan went off with quite a few hitches and they actually made it through, Archer is off on a brand new mission. In this week’s episode, Archer is headed off on a super-secret mission to Colombia. Unfortunately, when Archer gets a few drinks in him, secrets start to become public knowledge. Let’s take a look at the all-new episode of Archer entitled “Archer Vice: Smuggler’s Blues.”
As we get started, we see Pam helping Lana “practice” for when he baby is born. She is attempting to feed Pam, what under normal circumstances would be food but for Pam is actually cocaine. A little off topic here, but exactly how much of this can she eat before he body gives up on her? I’m just saying.
Eventually, Lana flips out and tells her to knock it off. Pam tells her that she needs to practice; however, Lana says that this isn’t really practice since her baby won’t be a raging coke addict. It may sound a little rude, but she does have a point.
Malory comes into the room and tells Lana that this is the least of her problems. She proceeds to run down the short list of everything Archer has ever done to make her life more difficult. This is the point where Cherlene chimes in and says that all babies should be drowned. There is something seriously wrong with this chick.
Lana sarcastically asks her if she has a tractor pull to headline. Malory jumps in and says that there will be no more of this small time stuff. She says that they are going to get Cherlene a record contract. At least that is something Archer can’t mess up.
Lana says that maybe Archer is just trying too hard. She says that all Archer wants is Malory’s approval. When Malory starts knocking Sterling for his inability to successfully sell any of their cocaine, she notices that they seem to be missing a lot of it. She immediately starts beating on Pam. For once, Pam isn’t the one who took it. She swears to Malory that it wasn’t her.
Unfortunately, this time Pam is telling the truth.
Now, we see Archer, Ray, and Cyril on a plane headed to Colombia with, you guessed it, the missing cocaine.
Archer is complaining because he wants to fly the plane, but Ray won’t let him. When Archer asks what could possibly go wrong, they are quick to remind him about the incident with the space shuttle. You know, the one where Ray ended up paralyzed?
Does anyone else find it odd that they are sneaking into Colombia with 100 lbs. of cocaine?
Apparently, their plan consists of sneaking into Colombia and just asking around for someone known as La Madrina, or the Godmother. Because nothing could go wrong with that plan, right?
After a few smart remarks are exchanged between Archer and Cyril, Archer decides he is going to try to crash the plane. In return, Cyril knocks him unconscious.
Back at the mansion, Malory is essentially torturing Dr. Krieger to try to find out where Archer is. He tells her that he actually has no idea where they are. She demands that he use the satellite to find out. The real hitch in this plan is that they don’t actually have a satellite anymore. That belonged to ISIS, which is no more.
She asks him what all the videos on the monitor are. He tells her that all of those cameras are in the house. Heck, he even makes about $2,000 a month off of the GILF cam. Just don’t ask. It really is safer that way.
Back in Colombia, Archer sarcastically thanks them for the concussion as he is hotwiring a jeep. Once completed, they speed off into the night. It isn’t very long before they start to complain about Archer’s driving. He slams on the breaks and proceeds to tell them that it’s not like he put a gun to their heads and made them come…well,  not to their heads at least.
It is finally time for them to gather some intel. Like the main character in some cheesy western movie, Archer bursts through the doors in a very loud entrance. Ray quips about how they look like a bunch of tourists. Adly, they do.
Meanwhile, Krieger has finally been able to track them down using an app known as Snacklesnap, which is their version of Instagram. Apparently, Ray posted a picture that gave away their location.
At this point, Malory asks the captain obvious question of the night; who smuggle cocaine into Colombia. Lana tells her that he was probably taking samples over there to show them that they have a high quality product that is already in the U.S.
Malory is worried about their safety; however, Lana tries to assure her that Archer knows what he is doing and that they are perfectly fine.
This is about the exact same time that Archer goes flying out the window of the bar. I think it is safe to say that he is pretty darn drunk.
Like an idiot, when one of the men in the bar asks him if he wants some cocaine, he tells them that they have plenty of it, and they are trying to find La Madrina to make a business proposition. This is probably about the worst thing he could have said as everyone in the bar stops and stares at him.
Archer asks him if he knows her, but alas the man does not. He does tell Archer, as he makes a secret tell to someone, that they can make a phone call and someone will come. He tells Archer to keep drinking, which he is more than happy to do.
Just as he begins to brag to Cyril about the “connection” that he has made with these people, he throws up all over Cyril to which everyone laughs. Cyril and Ray proceed to carry him out of the bar.
As soon as they are outside the sight of the people in the other room, Archer I mysteriously better. Apparently, he was faking as an escape plan since he heard people outside. Turns out that Archer was right; there were people waiting right outside to apprehend them; militants.
Before Cyril even knows what is going on, Archer and Ray are already out the window. Cyril gets out in just enough time not to get caught. Archer tells Ray to get to the vehicle and get it ready to go, and he tells Cyril to go steal the distributor cap off of the militants’ while he distracts them.
Quickly, Archer is able to disarm and beat the heck out of one of the militants and taking his gun.
Everyone makes it to the vehicle and they speed off. Just when they think they are out of the woods, the vehicle starts to fizzle out. Apparently, the vehicle is starting to overheat from all the cocaine Archer stuffed into the engine compartment. No worries, Cyril stole their distributor cap, right? Well…it turns out that while Cyril may be a great lawyer and a decent accountant, he is definitely going to make a crappy mechanic. Turns out it was the cap to the windshield wiper fluid that he grabbed.
Needless to say, the militants caught up with them. When they demand that the gang drop their weapons, Archer tells them to drop their weapons.
Confused as to what Archer is doing, both Ray and Cyril question his actions. Archer tells them that it is all about the machismo. Strangely enough, they all put down their weapons. Unfortunately, it is not because of Archer’s machismo.
As it would happen, the large tank that pulls up in the other direction is actually the person that Archer has been searching for this entire time, La Madrina.
Of course, La Madrina has to be this incredibly attractive woman that Archer is immediately attracted to. Now, the vehicle is being dragged away by the cartel with Archer, Cyril, and Ray still inside of it. Archer seems to be the only one that doesn’t have a problem with this.
Suddenly, Ray’s phone goes off. Back at the mansion, we watch as Malory is attempting to call Ray. He listens to what sounds like Archer and Ray fighting. Unfortunately, it is just one of Archer’s elaborate voicemails. How did this happen, may you ask? Well, to make a long story short, one day Archer stole Ray’s falafel, a fight ensued, Archer recorded it, and through a long and needlessly complicated process, it became Ray’s voicemail.
Finally, they arrive at the house.
Sterling is out on the balcony looking at the night sky when La Madrina walks in dressed rather provocatively. She tells him that she finds his proposal surprising. She has her men test the product to make sure that it was pure. Once she knows that it is they drink to their new friendship, and then she carts Archer off to the other room to have sex. Cause we didn’t see this one coming.
Turns out that it was some freaky dominatrix style encounter as Archer is talking about losing feeling in his legs and La Madrina is decked out in leather and holding a crop in her hand.
Well, as usual, things are not quite as they seem. You see…La Madrina is not exactly “the Godmother.” She is actually a member of the police in very deep cover. So now, the three of them are being carted off to prison. Archer asks her why she had sex with him; she basically tells him that it was because he was hot. Yeah, because he needs his ego stoked a little more, right?
Back at the mansion, Lana and Malory are talking about the situation. Lana tells her that no matter what, Ray always answers his phone so she is actually pretty worried about them.
On the flip side, all Archer is worried about is a tiger that La Madrina may or may not have had. Archer makes a crack that eventually they are going to run out of coke. Have they even legitimately sold a single ounce of it this season?
Unfortunately, they have bigger problems to worry about. Cyril points out that they are not going to last very long in prison considering that La Madrina’s cover would be blown if word ever got out that she was actually the police. Archer mentions that they aren’t even going to make it to prison; something their captors will neither confirm nor deny.
As the episode comes to a close, Archer tells Ray and Cyril and the one thing he is going to do if they make it out of there alive. Ray tells him that if he says “buy a tiger,” they will beat him with his own shoes. Suddenly, silence fills the backseat.
Next week, we will watch as Archer, Ray, and Cyril try to find their way out of this sticky situation and figure out how to get home while Lana and Pam plan a spa day for Malory to get her mind off of everything.
What did you think about the episode? Do you think Archer, Ray, and Cyril will make it out of this unscathed? Let us know what you think in the comments below.
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